Monday, November 19, 2012
I CAN'T TAKE IT... I HAVE TO BLOG...
I have done two things that are WAY out of character, besides stop blogging. The one thing I did was I didn't keep a promise and the other thing, which is the most amazing thing, because I almost NEVER do it... I made a promise! I don't do promises. After a bunch of spiritual reading a few years ago and the deep thoughts that went along with it, I decided that promises were something I wouldn't do anymore. It's kind of a long story and to be honest I don't remember which author convinced me that promises weren't worth doing (a Tao writer perhaps or Buddhist...) , but suffice to say, I just gave them up.
So what happened is this. I got tired of not being able to keep up with life. There is always house work, homeschooling, preparing for homeschooling, tracking, cleaning up after homeschooling, organizing homeschool group activities, sports, preparing for sports, taking care of equipment, doing laundry, keeping the whole house tidy (inside and out) enough to function, making sure everyone is fed and taken care of... the list goes on. I got tired of hearing how much work I didn't get done for our business in the summer. I expected I'd have more done as well. I felt like I spent all of my computer time blogging and not enough time on business activities. I got tired of the clutter in our house that seemed to only get worse each day.
Honestly, I was just fed up with myself. I just felt like I couldn't keep my head above water. So, I gave up blogging, temporarily. I made myself a promise that I wouldn't blog again until I sold some items online (declutter), got organized (check out the previous post), and finished one project for our business. I did sell a few things, I got organized for a month or so and then fell off track again, and I was only able to get part way through the project for our business.
At first I felt happy not blogging. It was something less to put on my list of things to do... if I had a list that I put that sort of thing on. I felt happy that I'd have time to do other things. It did work for a while and I became focused more on organizing during the day and took less photography of my kids. Usually you would never see me without my camera, but I carry it less often now. I took away what I enjoyed because I felt SO OVERWHELMED!
It seems that I am human. I can only take on so much at one time. Is this a surprise to anyone? Prioritizing means that what I focus as priority becomes the focus and all other things fall short, because I just don't have time. Sure I have help from little hands and strong man hands in my home, but it's not enough. I think from now on I'll focus on homeschooling and organizing and if I get business stuff done on the side great, but if I don't, I'm only one person. I am doing less homeschool group organizing (only once a month at the most other than what is already on the calendar) and staying home more during the day. If we feel like going out we can do last minute things on our own.
I think I'm throwing in the apron. I'm waving the white handkerchief in the air. I think it is time to realize that I can't do EVERYTHING. For some reason, mothers are expected to do just about everything, especially if they are stay-at-home moms. I think we do this to ourselves too. We expect it just as much as anyone else. I tend to get a picture in my head of June Cleaver.
I am no June Cleaver. Are you surprised? Here I sit, at a messy desk, in a messy house, with clutter everywhere, a paper booklet half filled out with schedules and grocery lists and tracking sheets. There is a large calendar clumsily laying across piles of books on this very desk. The beds aren't made, I have laundry to do, but not all is lost because we did have a great homeschooling day. The dishes are done, the fridge is cleaned out and I just took a little typing break to get a kiss and hug from a beautiful little girl who decided to walk over and surprise me out of the blue. I don't feel like this is a bad day at all. I guess that is my point. I can't do it all but when I do enough... that should be enough. I'm tired. Life is busy. We live and need to enjoy life as well. There needs to be balance. I should feel like there is much to do, sure, because there is, but not so much that I'm overwhelmed, unhappy, and not enjoying my time with my family. That seems to be what happens more often then I'd like to admit. In fact... I think I'm pretty much always feeling overwhelmed. Moving every two to three years may have played a part in that feeling. I don't want to feel that way anymore, but I definitely don't want to give up my hobby.
One explanation I do stick with is that chaos happens for at least two years in a new home.. I know this. I've not convinced my husband of this yet, but we have only lived in a house three years at the most before we move again. I guess he doesn't remember well, but I do. I remember finally having what I need to function better and all things having a place. I remember purging until our house was comfortable. I remember everything had a place and things were much easier to put away. I like this house, but it's not fitting my needs right now. There are items I'd like to be able to use, but nowhere to put those things, and there are shelves that we need for at least two rooms of the house. Things are not as they should be to accommodate our busy lives. I know this and I'm working at it the best I can, but it's going to take time and even more work. Trial and error will pay a part, as always. I am determined to get our lives organized in this home and I know that it'll eventually happen, but I'm not giving up blogging... Did you hear that UNIVERSE?! I'M NOT GIVING UP BLOGGING!! WOW... that felt good!!